Archive for July, 2010


So, yep, I am not exactly a dedicated blogger.  I was discharged from hospital on Monday after 4 months.  It’s been a difficult week in terms of me feeling vulnerable, no safety net etc.  However, there is finally news on the psychotherapy front, which will hopefully starting in the very near future, the details just need to be put in place.  I know that it is going to be hard work, actually I am probably really naieve as to how much hard work it will be but those that be think that now my meds are stable, this is the way forward, the way to recover.  Well, I sure aint growing out of bpd, as apparently people do.

Struggling today and have used prn – failure.  Have been listening to some of my classic low/sh mood music.  Maybe if I just indulge it for a while I wont end up harming.  Maybe I should just get wasted tonight instead.  Haven’t drunk a significant amount for months so shouldn’t take long.

Worse, I had to take in all my benefits change letters received whilst in hospital to the Direct service who will notify housing benefit.  Given that I had no way of notifying them of a change to my ESA to the support group type, what do they expect.  I’m worried that I will be given a massive bill of overpaid housing benefit but then the logical (and therefore probably contrary approach to the local council) says there shouldn’t be a massive difference.  Whilst in hospital, I still had to pay my portion of the rent so still needed the housing benefit.  No doubt there will be an update in this regard.

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A Big Ask

So tomorrow morning, I am going back to the ward for ward round and despite having been on leave all the last week, it seems rather daunting that they will either put me on a full week leave, without reviews, or discharge me.  Oh and surprise, surprise, no psychotherapy news.

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July 24, 2010 1 comment

I am sat here really needing to cut.  I want to cry the urges are so bad but I can’t.  I need to show that I am better than I was.  I want to slash my arms but in reality it would just be causing more chaos and destruction in my life.  I should call my sister but I don’t want her to worry as she will probably guess the reason I was calling was because I am struggling.  It is times like this that those thoughts of suicide are yelling at me – give up the fight, get it over with and let everyone get on with their lives.

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I’m Going Slightly Mad

So bleeding frustrated.  Spent most of the day reading and finished the novel What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriaty.  I thought I could now distract myself with free stuff on Lovefilm but my stupid 64 bit version Windows has caused yet another problem – I can’t download the required version of Adobe Flashplayer.  So what do I do now that I need distracting?  I’ve resorted to watching Katie and Alex programme on ITV player, having exhausted the other internet players the past few days.  It is awful.  Maybe I should start reading the 1st volume of Alastair Cambell’s diaries – 1994 – 1997 volume.Will the need to distract myself ever end?  Is this the point when I take prn to help?  I’m always wary of taking too much in terms of meds as I don’t want to end up relying on them.

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Fingers crossed

I seem to be managing a little better on my leave this time. It’s been difficult but helped by prn.

Went to the gym this morning and meeting for a coffee with some peeps from the 1 day a week DTC I used to attend.

Mood crash imminent in????????????/

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It was all going so well and now I am doubting my ability to do this.  Have taken night meds and hope they kick in soon.  See, the instability is just too much to cope with.

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No News of Psychotherapy

Oh well, was in a state after my 3 days leave so had been on the ward since Friday. I had ward round today and my mood stabiliser is being increased and as I am feeling more settled now, I’m attempting 2 nights leave.

I had a bit if a bad weekend in terms of urges and cutting. I keep trying to tell myself that this isn’t what I want.  Maybe I’ll paint my nails instead.

I’ve got an interview with a voluntary agency this afternoon, which I am dreading but my STAR worker is coming with me.  The agency finds voluntary placements.  I desperately to find ways to get back fit for some kind of work and this is one way but I am terrified.

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