Day 2 of 3 Days of Leave – Pathetic!

So, I have been trying to keep busy (aswell as resorting to prn) in order to get safely through my leave but something really silly has just set off a stupid bout of crying, fortunately I managed to stave it off ’til I got home.

I need to notify some changes of circs to the housing benefit peeps, yes, I am currently a benefits scrounger, having been so since December.  To do so all I need is to write a covering letter and enclose the documents and the lovely lady at the local library faxes it through to the proper department and some equations and calculations that would put Einstein and Newton to shame are conducted and a random number is generated as to how much I am to receive towards my rent.  They even kindly send a letter laying out the incomprehensible calculations, some of which appear to be contradictory, asking you to call them if anything is incorrect.  I can imagine that the member of staff who takes that calls is particularly quiet as anyone who attempts to reads these letters ends up in a state of catatonia.

Anyway, I am going off track.  The library is closed for some refurb so they can’t work their magic.  The nearest place is in the town centre, where I was this morning – Argh.  I’m not paying out £3 more in bus fare so they will just have to wait.  The notification is months overdue due to me being in hospital anyway so what will another week be.  I anticipate that this further week puts me at risk of comitting an indictable offence no less.

I cried.  Yes, the tiny weeny stress made me weep like a baby.  I cried even more when I think just even a year ago I was working under far much more pressure in my job.

Crying and being pathetic = a tremendous urge to cut or perhaps OD in Quetiapine to escape the world for a wee while.

Oh well, I am trying to be sensible and recover though so have taken some prn and hope that it kicks in and helps but in the meantime I need to distract myself hence this rambling blog entry.

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Hello world!

July 7, 2010 5 comments

Hello to any of you who may deem this worth reading.  A word of warning, I have no literary talents of which I am aware and intend to write this blog as a way to offload some of the stuff in my somewhat crazy head.  I hope it to document my recovery from borderline personality disorder (hereonin known as BPD and not to be confused with Bipolar Disorder) and episodes of depression back into my chosen profession, the legal field.  You see, that is what I used to be, a Solicitor.  That was before BPD completely ravaged my life, it had large elements of control over it prior to then but it gradually sunk its teeth into my very beginning and destroyed anything of worth in my life.

I am currently on 3 days leave from the local Psychiatric ward after spending nearly 4 months there due to suicidal plans, ideas and attempts.  Am I better?  The condition I have means meds cannot fix all so the answer to that it yes?  Am I safe now?  No, I never am.   Even now as I type I wonder and dream of the beauty of the blade being drawn across my skin, revealing the flesh within and releasing the tension, the hurt ,the pain, all the wrongs done to me.

Anyway, that seems a little heavy already for a first post and hopefully there will be a variety in tone in the future.

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